Why Do Women Stay with Abusive Partners?
Questions such as ‘why do women stay in abusive relationships?’, ‘why do women choose abusive partners?” or ‘why don’t women leave?’ are questions based on the belief that the victim is responsible for the problem or circumstance she finds herself in. It is a commonly-held misconception that an abusive woman chose an abusive partner and that she could leave.
Thinking back to the Cycle of Abuse and Judy’s story, did Judy choose to be with her partner because he was abusive? Of course not! He didn’t present himself as someone who was going to be controlling, or progressively take away her freedom.
Describe 3 characteristics that attracted Judy to her partner.
Now, find 3 examples of how Judy’s partner blamed Judy for his abusive behaviour, even though she is not responsible.
You can see by your answers that the more Judy’s partner blames her, the harder she works to find solutions to the problems, looking to herself to make changes, work harder, make more concessions and silence herself and her ideas. Judy doesn’t do this because she accepts his behaviour. She does it because our society looks to women to ‘fix’ relationship problems and make concessions in relationships. Furthermore, where there is abuse, it is often described as communication problems, ‘he’s always been like that’, he has a problem with anger or ‘men are just like that’. This reinforces men’s power and avoids placing responsibility for the abuse on the abusive partner.